Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*