Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
This was the best day of my life
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My whole life was a lie.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf