Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Catercrombie & Fish
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
