Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

Has science gone too far?

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

I have no passwords left in me

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.