TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown