Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition