Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
This is my brand.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.