Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems