Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I think this might be relevant today.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
.. do you even science?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.