Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
This pepper has seen some shit
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.