Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Just grow your own

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal