Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
You Might Also Like
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.