tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
You Might Also Like
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.