tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Watermelon Boss!
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.