Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Still laughing at this stupid meme

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

I like crazy people until they notice me

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Banderslack Clamberdorch