Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob