Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

My typo game is string.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

I like crazy people until they notice me

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.