tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
wtf
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”