Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

I’m listening

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart