Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

no refunds