Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hunting wabbits…

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?