Tammy is short for Tamuel
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I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
the zen of frog
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me