Tammy is short for Tamuel
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.