Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”