Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
dude it’s called proctologist
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.