Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot