It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Hero horse inspires millions
Outkast: Ok now ladies!
OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!
Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.