Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

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Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?





Husband: I think we need to move


Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.


i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”


I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”


INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search


*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.


She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.


Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?


Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness