@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

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@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

@chuuew

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

@lovejulieacafe

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

@xLiserx

Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.

@angibangie

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

@eat_pray_liv

Outkast: Ok now ladies!

Me: Yeah??!

OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!

Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*

@djdarrellripley

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

@BastardProphet

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.