Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again