Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
la cocaina
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
💀💀💀💀
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
me after drinking all the wine:
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.