Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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Banking tips
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.