Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

My flabber has been gasted.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing