Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
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MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
S/o to @funTweeters .
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.