Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
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Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.