Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
my first day as a raccoon
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Morning.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!