Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
🙂🙃🥹
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
this is what they would have looked like, though
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here