Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password ex…
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?