Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
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And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!