Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
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[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers