Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
dude it’s called proctologist
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive