Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

Guantanamo Bae

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks