Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
#merica
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor