TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
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We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.