if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words
Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker?
Me: No, that’s all I saw
*shows me it’s just a picture of a fist*
Me: *sobbing* That’s him
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Wtf has just happened😳
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet