TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.


I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.


My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.


If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.


So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.


Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.


[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys