@blade_funner

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

You Might Also Like

@thefurlinator

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

@uhhhhhoksure

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

@BromanConsul

the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words

@Sickayduh

Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker?
Me: No, that’s all I saw
*shows me it’s just a picture of a fist*
Me: *sobbing* That’s him

@ShutUpThatsWho

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

@SocialustGal13

News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.

@CherBear162

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

@Fred_Delicious

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

@NicestHippo

Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet