Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times