*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.