[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend
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Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.
wife: are you cheating on me?
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!
The Antics Roadshow
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I booked you a nice hotel
It’s inside an active volcano
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?