Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend

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Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet


My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.


(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you


Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.


ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask


*storms onto stage*
*crowd gasps*
*crowd continues gasping*


Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?


Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.


I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.

He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.


I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.