It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet