@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend

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@oakhillbargrill

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@machiavellino

(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

@PretendMaker

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

@michaelianblack

Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?

@TheCattyLady

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

@novicefather

I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.

He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.

@CharmandBrains

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.