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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.