Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Never ghost your hitman.