Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
😼🖥️
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)