Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.