Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.