Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

rest in peas

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

notice

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.