Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

my sentiments exactly

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird