Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When ur friends with white people

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.