[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee

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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home


Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today


Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.


Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.


If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.


If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild then place your thumb and index finger tips together- make a bandit mask. They will accept you.


If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.


My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.


Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.