@rowdyforsheriff

[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee

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@panmidwest

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

@aissalanis

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

@thenatewolf

Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.

@Brentweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.

@JT_IV_

If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild then place your thumb and index finger tips together- make a bandit mask. They will accept you.

@JohnLyonTweets

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

@WilliamAder

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.