[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee

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my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then


“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture


Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.


*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]


‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me


Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.


PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…


[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?


I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?