crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”