Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.