Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

idk what this dog had been going through but same

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep