*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
yeah not falling for this one
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
wtf management?!
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea