*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt