*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.