Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00