Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
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5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.