Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
