Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Pizza is an emotion right?

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”