Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
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Rooting for the overdog
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away