Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.