Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.