Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?