Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

me before I type out affect or effect

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb