Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.