TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.